Children who experience violence are 9 times more likely to attempt suicide. How to stop violence and save lives.

Even though he had read it many, many times, Tomek Dahlborg she still gets emotional when she reads a poem written by a little girl who was bullied because, among other things, she had epilepsy.

The poem, written by an 11-year-old, describes her experiences with bullying as a “never-ending bad dream” and pleads for bullies to recognize that “we are all human, we are all different in our own way.”

While conventional wisdom may hold that children bully others to cope with their own problems and insecurities, Dahlborg emphasized that there is no simple “X+Y=Z” equation to understand and stop bullying.

“We often need a simple answer to make our lives easier,” Dahlborg told the audience at Monday’s CivicCon event. “There is no cookie cutter solution and there is no reason for children to be bullied.”

Dahlborg has over 40 years of experience in the healthcare field, and one of his key areas of focus is enhancing positive childhood experiences for all children. He is a speaker, advisor, and author of “The Big Kid and Basketball… and the Lessons He Taught His Father and Coach,” a book that chronicles the story of Dahlborg’s son, Tommy, as he struggles with bullying from sports coaches and other neighbors while growing up with his parents.

He emphasized that there are some tools and best practices that produce results, but said they require the entire community to come together, get involved, create a plan, set goals and stick to them.

“We must learn to engage our hearts – love, care, empathy, compassion – and our minds,” he said. “The science, the evidence and the research that shows this actually helps.”

How common is bullying? And what NOT to do to fix it.

Dahlborg said about 18% of school-age children say they have been victims of bullying, with that number rising to 20% for high school students. About 42% of children admit that they have been victims of cyberbullying.

He also said that abuse from “trusted adults” is common: 27% of children say they have experienced abuse from other parents, 37% are victims of abuse by teachers and 42% are victims of abuse from coaches or physical education teachers.

Another sobering statistic is that suicide is the third leading cause of death among minors, and children who are victims of bullying are up to nine times more likely to attempt suicide. Dahlborg said that long after he began writing and speaking about the abuse, his now adult son confided that as a fourth-grade student, he tied a belt around his neck and tried to take his own life.

Stressing that he is not an “expert” but merely a father and coach, Dahlborg said he and his family have made many mistakes regarding bullying. However, he noted that his experience and research have taught him that some common anti-bullying approaches are simply not effective.

Dahlborg said that while a zero-tolerance policy sounds good on paper, it does not stop bullying and often leads to unintended consequences. He said under zero-tolerance policies, black students are punished more than white students, and reporting is often less common among both students and adults for reasons that may include fear of escalation or consequences.

“If I report you’re abusing me and get expelled, I’ll get caught in the neighborhood,” Dahlborg gave as an example.

He also said that conflict resolution – sitting children on both sides of the bullying equation and trying to talk it out – doesn’t work for several reasons.

“No. 1: bullying is not conflict, it is victimization,” he said. “NO. 2. The abuse victim and abuser have just been told that you are both part of the problem, so maybe you can solve it.”

Another solution that doesn’t work is group treatment, Dahlborg said.

“What that has historically meant is that we have taken children who are exhibiting bullying behavior, put them in a group and taught them … why you shouldn’t (bully others) and some of the things that help regulate emotions and so on,” Dahlborg said. “Research shows that, as of 2012, it is common for a group of children who have exhibited bullying behaviors to become a bullying peer group – supporting each other in bullying-related activities in schools or even programs. This leads to more abuse.”

And of course, one-off events like a school assembly or a guest lecture on bullying don’t move the needle.

“The key emphasis needs to be on changing the culture,” Dahlborg said.

What works to stop bullying

So what works?

Taking the time to understand the dynamics of bullying in schools, neighborhoods and community programs and knowing where it happens – on school buses, in the hallways, in the locker room or on social media.

“You see, we don’t want to just come up with a solution plan if we don’t know what the real problem is,” Dahlborg said.

Nominate your local difference makers: Time is running out to submit nominations for the CivicCon 2024 awards

He said it’s crucial to engage actual students and allow them to quantify the problem through surveys, focus groups and other activities.

He also said that instead of one-off exercises, anti-bullying activities should be regularly incorporated into the classroom curriculum. For example, Dahlborg said one teacher had her students read the book “Animal Farm” and then asked them to discuss whether a particular character was a good friend or a tyrant.

Dahlborg also pointed to local activities at the Dixon School of Arts and Sciences, where students wrote poems about bullying, which was a good way to incorporate anti-bullying into lessons.

Other schools have developed mentoring programs to model positive behavior – not only adults caring for children, but also students caring for other students.

“In high school, we identified those who were the best performers, not only in terms of academics, not only in terms of sports, but also in terms of values, and then we encouraged them to connect with the middle school students,” Dahlborg said. “And that’s how we started making progress, we had this ripple effect throughout the program, across all the schools.”

He also suggested intentionally engaging the broader community, such as health care agencies, youth sports and arts programs, business associations and law enforcement, in anti-bullying efforts.

“Get those who really want to be part of it, who really want to be part of the solution, not because they want their name on it or they just want to feel good, but because they really care,” he said.

Communities should define what “success” looks like and not be afraid of “failures” as long as they learn from their mistakes and don’t give up.

“We want X+Y=Z because it’s simple,” Dahlborg said of the formula for recognizing and stopping bullying.

“In reality, X+Y doesn’t always equal Z. That’s probably not going to happen” when it comes to finding a solution, Dahlborg said, “but we have to do it anyway because people, especially children, hurt. “

For more information about Dahlborg and its family anti-bullying programs, visit dahlborghlg.com.

Gehl introduces Pensacola’s strategic plan, “Strive to Grow: 2035.”

Dahlborg’s presentation was part of CivicCon, a partnership of the News Journal and the Center for Civic Engagement that aims to empower citizens to improve their communities through smart planning and civic conversation.

Join CivicCon on Tuesday, November 12 from 6-7:30 p.m as Gehl presents the plan at the Bayview Community Center.

The city of Pensacola has partnered Gehlrenowned urban design and strategy firm for assistance in developing the Pensacola “Strive to Thrive: 2035” strategic plan process. The planning process over the past several months has included robust citywide engagement, focus groups, and research into the city’s strengths and opportunities, as well as how Pensacola can anticipate and capitalize on global trends. The completed plan will outline the investment vision for the next decade and set out key goals and priorities.

Registration for this free event can be obtained by searching for CivicCon at eventbrite.com.

For more information about CivicCon, as well as stories and videos from previous speakers, visit: pnj.com/civiccon.

Editor’s note: This story contains a discussion of suicide. If you or someone you know needs help, the U.S. National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available by calling or texting 988. Online chat is also available at 988lifeline.org

This article originally appeared in the Pensacola News Journal: Pensacola CivicCon speaker Tom Dahlborg, stop advising on bullying