Eric’s Question: Petty, our self-serving stepfathers cut us out of their will after our parents died

Dear Eric: My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 3. He went with our father and I with our mother. We saw each other during holidays and vacations. Both parents remarried and had two more children. Our age difference is seven to nine years or more.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like a grudge. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were with them.

Fast forward to today: we are both retired, have families, and by all accounts are doing well. We have worked hard to build and maintain relationships with our parents and step-parents/siblings. I thought there was progress.

Both parents died within two years. Both adoptive parents changed their wills, leaving us out of them. I was surprised. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

There was an angry residue within me from past traumas that had resurfaced. I don’t want anything that belongs to my parents. It’s not about the money – I know there isn’t much of it. I just don’t know how to move forward. Will I ghost them? Stop calling, writing and visiting because it seems very one-sided? I put most of my work and effort into maintaining the relationship.

– Light stepson

Dear Lekki: What petty people your adoptive parents seem to be. They can adjust their will however they want, but it’s very telling that they only made the big change after your parents passed away. This doesn’t sit well with me. This seems callous and self-serving. And unnecessarily.

Despite the machinations with their fortunes, you can still decide what you want from them. There is a version in which you decide that these are people who are not worth knowing. They came into your life at a delicate time and they weren’t nice. The most liberating thing can be to say, “I deserve better; I am leaving this relationship in the past.”

Alternatively, you could say, “I want to have a relationship, but it seems one-sided. What can we do to change this?” And see what they come up with. But honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth your time.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s wonderful, excellent novel, Commonwealth of Nations, you may want to check it out. It’s about a blended family and some of the themes may resonate strongly with you in a cathartic way.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.