A story of addiction, adoption and reconciliation

When my young friend Sebastian found out that he had lost his biological brother suicide— the brother he never knew — his life was temporarily turned upside down.

Shortly afterward, we talked about the many questions and concerns this news had raised in him. Sebastian told a complex family story that included many major losses, failures and… injuries people can suffer.

Sebastian’s father died when he was only 6 years old. He says it wasn’t his mother who was abusive, but her addiction meth caused her to neglect her children and unable to provide them with a safe home.

He recalls that most of the time he and his siblings fended for themselves, using the meager groceries that were in the house. She left them unattended for long periods of time.

Adoption story

When his mother finally gave up her parental rights, Sebastian was adopted by a loving, stable couple at the age of 8, after two years in foster care. His adoption was closed. Due to his mother’s untreated drug problem, she was not allowed to have contact with Sebastian while he was a minor.

Sebastian was growing in his adoptive family but she maintained the quiet sense of loss, doubt and abandonment that are common to children abandoned by their biological parents. Many want to know more about their origins.

The National Institutes of Health reports that between 2000 and 2017, the number of young children entering foster care due to parental drug use more than doubled, from 15 to 36 percent. This means that many children have experienced Sebastian’s situation and now consider them adults. with everything that happened and why.

Why couldn’t my mother choose me over drugs? How could she give up and let me go? Now Sebastian is studying psychology and counseling, thanks to which he better understands the cruelties of addiction. He knows he wasn’t the problem.

The cruelties of addiction

Both of Sebastian’s biological parents struggled with addiction. His father was a Vietnam veteran whose addiction began with various substances given to him during his service.

His mother, also adopted from foster care as a child, became addicted at age 9. Although Sebastian believes his parents were united in love, it’s no wonder they struggled to cope with the needs of their growing family.

Preparing to meet the family

When Sebastian received a call informing him that his brother had hanged himself, he was invited to join his other siblings and mother to mourn and bury his brother. Saying “yes” meant the opportunity to meet family members he didn’t know and his mother, whom he hadn’t seen in almost 20 years.

Before the suicide, the family had 10 children. Two of them are half-siblings from a different mother, six are from Sebastian’s parents (he is number eight), and the two youngest are his mother’s children from a different father.

Hearing that his brother had ended his life in such a terrible way was incredibly devastating, as it always is with suicide. He wondered what he would find when he showed up at his mother’s door.

Sebastian experienced many feelings about this sudden new development in his peaceful and productive life. He is happily married, has a dog and a cat, earned a bachelor’s degree, is currently pursuing a master’s degree and serves as a pastor at a local church.

Sebastian and I began to process his feelings and fears. We discussed his plan to emotionally cope with the loss of the brother he never knew, reuniting with his mother, and meeting unknown family members.

To his credit, Sebastian approached this opportunity with his characteristic gentle acceptance and optimism. He imagined the moments when he saw his mother’s face and met his siblings. He was open and curious about their lives.

I confirmed his positive attitude and high hopes for the upcoming meeting, gently admonishing him to maintain realistic expectations. Reunification can bring healing and understanding, but it can also bring crushing disappointment if expectations are too high.

Then

The following Sunday, Sebastian returned to church with one of his brothers. He and the young man seemed to have quickly developed a warm relationship. Sebastian openly shared his gratitude that relatives he didn’t know as a child could potentially become friends in adulthood.

Several weeks passed before Sebastian and I were able to provide further information about his experiences. He showed me photos he had taken during a family reunion that included several of his siblings, his aunt, and his mother.

Sebastian said that when his mother opened the door, they embraced and he felt intimacy and warmth. It was a relief.

It was clear that her years of meth use had damaged her physically and mentally. During the conversation, she admitted to him that she was still using, but it was “just a little bit of methamphetamine.” She remains significant refusal about the level of devastation and harm her addiction has caused to her and her family.

He learned that the brother who died had been a long-time small-time drug dealer, and another brother was still addicted to drugs. However, Sebastian was happy to see that the other family members were doing well.

My warnings about realistic expectations turned out to be accurate. Because Sebastian prepared himself with prayer and spiritual with the support of his pastors and friends, he was able to enter the meeting without having to control the outcome.

He had good control over his emotions, which allowed him to have a healing effect on his family. Through his emotional and spiritual maturity, he helped set the tone for understanding and reconciliation.

Sebastian said his biggest takeaways from the experience were about gratitude and resilience.

He is grateful to his adoptive mother and father who did a great job raising him to be a strong and loving man. He is grateful that he has strong faith in God.

Sebastian is grateful that despite the tragedy that brought them together, their reunion opened the door to new and important relationships.

He realizes that his past has made him very resilient. The fact that his mother didn’t take proper parental responsibility and basically abandoned him still hurts. But it’s a sting he can bear, because whatever happens from here, he has forgiven her and can live as he wants.

He prays that his mother will seek help and break free from the chains of addiction, but he understands that it is beyond his control. He must continue to focus on his own fruitful life.

Sebastian hopes to continue the process of reuniting with his biological family. He says his adoptive parents are not at risk. They are confident that they did the right thing and support his need to learn about the other family he lost so long ago.

By managing expectations, Sebastian looks forward to carefully incorporating these family members into his life to a healthy degree so that some can play roles in the rest of his story.