Letter from Bonnie Runyan to Pagosa Residents – Pagosa Daily Post News Events and Videos for Pagosa Springs, Colorado

EDITOR’S NOTE: This letter discusses the decision to commit suicide.

Introduction by DC Duncan

After careful consideration, Bill Hudson and I have decided to publish this heartbreaking letter. It’s a little difficult to read, but it’s an important read nonetheless.

Bonnie Runyan was a free spirit and independent woman throughout her life. She was a close friend of mine, so this letter hits me deeply. I met Bonnie while playing John Graves and Friends at Nello’s. She was one of the “friends” who honored our fans with her wonderful voice and gentle demeanor. During this time, Bonnie and Ann Graves met and later called each other best friends. Unfortunately, Ann passed away recently and Bonnie lost her spiritual sister.

We were members of the Pagosa Universal Unitarian Fellowship where John Graves played piano on Sunday mornings. Bonnie considered PUUF her family. The Brotherhood meant everything to her. And now they have lost their favorite daughter.

Please read this touching letter and try not to judge, because this is a sphere that few of us will enter.

Dear Editor,

I hear many people in my age group (80+) share their concerns about end-of-life issues, especially the fact that despite Colorado voting for physician-assisted suicide, our hospital has chosen not to provide this service.

I am not writing to question the hospital’s decision or even discuss it. I am writing to strongly suggest that we all realize that we do not need to ask others for help once we feel we have lived long enough.

I have four chronic pain disorders. Old age, ME/CFS, spinal stenosis and a very unfortunate hip replacement. All four are progressive and disabling. None of them are terminal (except for old age), so medical aid in dying wouldn’t apply to me anyway.

I have lived in pain for twenty-five years. Every day is an endurance run. I want to leave soon and I realize and accept that I have to find a way out, alone. Since I have always lived independently, I prefer to die independently.

In the 19th century, a man named Alphonse Daudet wrote about living in pain in a book titled The land of pain. He wrote:

The anticipation of the humiliations to come makes suicide not only tempting but also logical.

That’s how I feel. I ask myself, “How much better do you think you will become? And how much worse?” These questions answer themselves.

I am not bothered by any religious beliefs, I am of the opinion that it is my body and my choice. I do not allow the disease to develop to the point where I become a burden to others and an alien to myself. Therefore, I clearly state that despite all the man-made laws and taboos regarding suicide, we have a fundamental human right to be free from our suffering and no one has the right to interfere with this.

I’m mainly talking about us old people who have lived this life and now become more and more disabled day by day. Not everyone has a caring family and money to buy help. We have the right to say when we’ve had enough and we have the right to leave. It’s a matter of abandoning cultural conditioning and thinking and acting on your own behalf. We have a choice if we want to make it. Am I afraid? Of course I am. The unknown is scary, but I’m more afraid of what will happen if I try to meet the expiration date.

I want the people I care about and those who care about me to be happy that I have the courage to let go of my pain and struggles. I also hope that my example will show that a person can retain power over his own life and death if he so desires. We don’t have to ask anyone for help or permission.

I am not aware of the difficulties that suicide may cause to other people, hence this letter. I am grateful to the police, paramedics and other specialists who have to deal with my remains. And please, my dear friends, know that I am at peace now and smile at me. I loved each of you exceptionally and with all my heart.

Live well.

Bonnie Runyan
Pagosa Springs