Eric’s Question: My adoptive parents cut me out of their will after my parents died

Dear Eric: My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 3. He went with our father and I went with our mother. We saw each other during holidays and vacations. Both parents remarried and had two more children. Our age difference is seven to nine years or more.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like a grudge. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were with them.

Fast forward to today: we are both retired, have families, and by all accounts are doing well. We have worked hard to build and maintain relationships with our parents and step-parents/siblings. I thought there was progress.

Both parents died within two years. Both adoptive parents changed their wills, leaving us out of them. I was surprised. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

There was an angry residue within me from past traumas that had resurfaced. I don’t want anything that belongs to my parents. It’s not about the money – I know there isn’t much of it. I just don’t know how to move forward. Will I ghost them? Stop calling, writing and visiting because it seems very one-sided? I put most of my work and effort into maintaining the relationship.

– Reckless stepson

Dear Slighted: What petty people your adoptive parents seem to be. They can adjust their will however they want, but it’s very telling that they only made the big change after your parents passed away. This doesn’t sit well with me. This seems callous and self-serving. And unnecessarily.

Despite the machinations with their fortunes, you can still decide what you want from them. There is a version in which you decide that these are people who are not worth knowing. They came into your life at a delicate time and they weren’t nice. The most liberating thing can be to say, “I deserve better; I am leaving this relationship in the past.”

Alternatively, you could say, “I want to have a relationship, but it seems one-sided. What can we do to change this?” And see what they come up with. But honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth your time.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s wonderful, excellent novel, Commonwealth of Nations, you may want to check it out. It’s about a blended family and some of the themes may resonate strongly with you in a cathartic way.

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law, whom I love and have known since childhood, recently purchased two little “doodle” dogs. She brought them with her for an overnight weekend visit.

They barked at every little sound – someone entering the room, doors opening/closing. My sister-in-law’s response to her dogs was ineffective.

The weekend with her dogs filled me with anxiety and I had a hard time enjoying the guests.

Tolerance was harder for me because I have both professional (with children) and personal (with dogs) experience in analyzing and modifying behavioral problems. It’s very easy for me to see what reinforced the dogs’ behavior.

My dilemma is: Should I allow her to bring the dogs on her next visit, or should I make a visit that includes bringing the dogs as long as my sister-in-law allows me to teach her how to respond to the dogs’ behavior? The constant barking and barking doesn’t seem to bother her.

— The dog is tired

Dear Tired: Although you have experience with children and dogs, it seems that you would most like to change the behavior of your adult sister-in-law. This will be a problem.

You can tell her that the dogs made too much fuss last time and ask her to leave them for the next visit. This, of course, makes the visit less hospitable as she will need to find a suitable sitter for the dog. And he may decide to just stay home. If you don’t mind this option and won’t resent her for it, great.

You can also offer to teach her how to handle dogs better. But is this a necessary condition for spending time with you? I don’t see how this couldn’t cause resentment.

You have a long, loving relationship. You can just tell her that dogs are getting on your nerves and you can give her some tips if she’s open to them. Lots of doodling behavior is not a reason to fuel an argument. Talk to her in a non-judgmental way. Offer to help, but accept a “no, thank you” if that’s her response.

Communicating clearly, without trying to control her, will make it easier to plan your next meeting. It also gives her the strength to take both your feelings and her own into consideration.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)