Each conference’s ad for the college football playoffs

Forty names, games, teams and tidbits making news in college sports (sports directors on surfboards sold separately in Hawaii). First quarter: twelve (or more) angry people.

Deep in the election cycle, the last thing any of us needs are political ads. But as one campaign (thankfully) comes to an end, another one will begin – the race for spots in the College Football Playoff.

The first rankings will be released on election night, which is either a stunningly shortsighted decision or a clever counterprogram, depending on the level of interest in who will be the next president of the United States. Either way, The Dash thought about how conferences can try to sway hearts and minds in their favor – or against the opposition. Let’s watch a video of some attack ads:

SEC (13)

The ad opens with a video montage showing touchdowns and quarterback sacks of the Georgia Bulldogs pounding the Clemson Tigers, the Texas Longhorns beating the Michigan Wolverines, the Alabama Crimson Tide rolling past the Wisconsin Badgers, the Tennessee Volunteers taking down the North Carolina State Wolfpack, and the LSU Tigers dispatching the UCLA Bruins.

Wynn Everett’s voiceover from “It Just Means More”: “We’re bigger and better than ever. That’s why middle-class Americans – and extremely wealthy donors – deserve to see five SEC teams in the College Football Playoff. Four straight national champions from 2019-2022 speak louder than the lies and distortions you hear from other leagues.

The ad fades into an unflattering black-and-white photo montage of snarling Miami Hurricanes fans, goofy BYU Cougars students, and Pat Narduzzi’s furious onside shot. Includes video of Northern Illinois Huskies shocking Notre Dame. To return to Everett’s voice: “Other leagues that have developed without respect for borders are trying to defraud hard-working Americans. They want you to believe that they play good football too. They think you won’t remember what you saw with your own eyes. Don’t make multiple bids to a weaker ACC and Big 12 team and don’t give Notre Dame a pass for losing to a MAC team. These are donations they don’t deserve and will lead to uncompetitive games. The video shows the final results of the Georgia-TCU Horned Frogs January 2023 and LSU-Clemson championship games in 2020.

(Oddly enough, there are no negative images or words directed at Big Ten schools.)

The ad ends with a tight-smiling SEC commissioner, Greg Sankey, walking around a confetti-strewn field in quarter stride – always quarter stride – while fans from all 16 league schools chant, “SEC! KNOT! SEC!”

Sankey looks at the camera and says, “Selection committee, please submit five offers. Or we’ll send the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets to storm your boardroom.

Paid for by Friends of Finebaum Super PAC, Treasurer Burke Magnus.

Big Ten (14)

The ad begins with rising music playing over a video of the Michigan Wolverines celebrating their national championship in January. (Although for some reason Jim Harbaugh is not in any of them). Then there are cuts to overhead shots of the packed Ohio State Buckeyes and Penn State Nittany Lions stadiums, followed by a video of the Oregon Duck on a motorcycle at Autzen Stadium.

Voiceover by Joel Klatt: “The biggest and best conference in America features great teams from sea to sea, time zone to time zone, so many that we can’t keep track of them all. It’s a four-bid league, no questions asked, but if you ask, Curt Cignetti will answer. A clip from a video of the Indiana Hoosiers coach saying last winter: “I’m winning. Google me.”

The ad switches to ominous music and sharp photos of Big 12 commissioner Brett Yormark and ACC commissioner Jim Phillips, as well as the same video the SEC used of the Notre Dame beating in northern Illinois. Klatt: “Other conferences are running false, misleading ads portraying our league as the top league. They are desperately trying to undermine us because they have no positive message of their own. One school that always seeks preferential treatment even tries to deny that it actually lost to a MAC opponent.” Cut to commercials for a video showing the ineptitude of Florida and Oklahoma and their terrified fans.

(Oddly enough, there are no negative images or words directed at SEC schools.)

The ad ends with Commissioner Tony Petitti standing in a field amid amber waves of grain. “We are graciously requesting only four bids, which is a very reasonable request. We also have full confidence that the Michigan man chairing the selection committee (Wolverines AD Warde Manuel) will do the right thing.

Paid for by Treasurer Mark Silverman’s Big Noon Super PAC.

ACC (15)

The ad airs primarily on The CW. It opens with video of Miami quarterback Cam Ward throwing a laser at Florida, then Pittsburgh quarterback Eli Holstein taking on West Virginia, then SMU scoring 66 points on TCU. (Clemson was left out of the all-important package for some reason.) Michael Irvin’s voice-over: “The ACC is having a great season, if only the corrupt polls and networks would confirm it. Miami should be ranked No. 1, Clemson should be in the Top 5, Pitt should be in the Top 10 and SMU should be in the Top 15. Fortunately, the committee recognizes that we have four teams capable of making the playoffs.

The ad cuts to a black and white photo of Sankey and Petitti together, smiling, with the words “TOO EXTREME” superimposed in large red letters. Irvin: “The SEC and the Big Ten are working together against us. They are too power hungry to care about regular fans like us. They threaten competitive balance and try to take away our rights. Don’t let them get away with it.”

The ad ends with Phillips, wearing an apron, working at a soup kitchen, then looking into the camera and saying, “Lawsuits aside, the ACC stands united against the aggressors of the SEC and the Big Ten, not to mention the very ordinary Big 12.” We respectfully ask for a fair distribution of playoff bids.”

Paid for by Treasurer Eric Dickerson’s SMU Billionaires Super PAC.

Duża 12 (16)

The commercial begins with the Iowa State Cyclones kicking the winning field goal against the Iowa Hawkeyes and celebrating. It then cuts to BYU’s joy after beating SMU. The Arizona State Sun Devils then punch the Mississippi State Bulldogs. Then Deion Sanders stood on the sidelines like the coolest guy in college football. Coach Prime in voiceover: “We’re not hard to find, except in surveys. Why aren’t BYU and Iowa State ranked higher? Why is Kansas State ranked 17th? Why are we number 23? We don’t need Texas and Oklahoma. We have a lot of Louies in this league, come and see.”

The ad cuts to a slow-motion black-and-white video of Connor Stalions on the Michigan sideline, standing near Sherrone Moore. We then move on to Georgia players being arrested for dangerous driving. Voiceover from Yormark himself: “Other leagues will stop at nothing to win and expect ordinary Americans to go along with it. Their extreme programs must be put to an end.”

The ad ends with Yormark in a suit and tie sitting in a conference room with an “Open For Business” sign and the Big 12 logo behind him. “We have survived betrayal and abandonment and we have come back stronger. We will eventually take over Florida State and Clemson in the failing ACC. But for now, our focus is on multiple playoff bids. Don’t make Mormons mad, committee, or they’ll find your email addresses.”

Paid for by Magnolia Network Super PAC, Treasurer Chip Gaines.

The West Mountain (17) AND United States Athletic Conference (18) Joint Announcement

These seats are expensive, so the two leagues have teamed up to share the cost. It opens with Ashton Jeanty galloping down the blue turf against the Washington State Cougars and then introduces the Army of the Black Knights who are shoving this option down Lehigh’s throat. The UNLV Rebels then defeat the Kansas Jayhawks and the Memphis Tigers defeat Florida State. Random voiceover: “There is quality football outside the so-called Power 4. We have the Heisman Trophy leader in the Mountain West and one of only two teams in America that haven’t lost an entire season. Don’t limit us to one bid in Group 5, make two and get both league champions.

The ad cuts to an unsmiling, black-and-white collage of photos of Sankey, Petitti, Phillips and Yormark, with the ESPN and Fox logos superimposed behind them. Voiceover: “Power leagues are controlled by networks. They are not interested in hard-working Americans at other conferences who do more with less. They don’t want to give us the opportunity to compete, but we are fighting tyranny.”

The ad ends with Commissioners Gloria Nevarez and Tim Pernetti walking toward each other to shake hands somewhere in middle America. Nevarez: “Mountain West is coming for a deal.” Pernetti: “Same as an American.” Together: “Two offers for two leagues. Fight the authorities.”

Paid for by Craig Thompson/Mike Aresco Legacy Super PAC treasurers Kellen Moore and Roger Staubach.

Pac-12 (19)

The ad is only airing at select gas stations in the Pacific Northwest. It opens with Washington State Cougars quarterback John Mateer running for touchdowns against the Texas Tech Red Raiders and Washington Huskies, then cuts to the obligatory shot of the Oregon State Beavers running onto the field, then back to the Wazzu flag flying over ESPN Academic Games Day audience. Voiceover by Ryan Leaf: “We were left for dead, but cougars don’t die easily. At 7-1, we deserve to be in the top 15, at least according to the CFP committee.”

The ad cuts to a grainy video of moving trucks, then shows the logos of all the Pac-12 schools that have left. Voiceover: “Does the commission really want to reward the traitorous schools that tried to destroy us? Do the Big Ten, ACC and Big 12 really deserve multiple bids after doing everything in their power to destroy an entire region of the country?

The ad ends with Commissioner Teresa Gould standing on a barren hill in the Palouse: “In the future, we come back stronger from the hellish raid on the Mountain West. But the comeback now begins in Washington state. Commission, put the Cougs in the playoffs.

Paid for by Palouse Outdoorsmen Society Super PAC, Treasurer Grizzly Adams.

Notre-Dame (20)

The ad airs exclusively on NBC. It begins with Irish celebration in College Station, Texas after beating Texas A&M, followed by Notre Dame stomping Purdue and Navy. Next up is drone footage of Touchdown Jesus. Brady Quinn voiceover: “Ordinary Americans would reject the playoffs without Notre Dame. They want to see America’s team, shiny helmets, brave leprechaun and telegenic Marcus Freeman. We have a gold rating.”

The ad cuts to a slow motion video of dejected A&M players walking away after the loss to Notre Dame. “What conference would try to get five playoff bids if its best team lost at home to Notre Dame? Their misleading attack ads do not support this game. What else are they hiding at the SEC?”

The commercial ends with the entire NBC Sports broadcast crew gathered in the studio and a few random Paris Olympians joined in, just like every other NBC telecast. Executive Producer Sam Flood: “We’re spending more money than ever on broadcasting college football. Put our best ticket in the playoffs.”

Paid for by Subway Super PAC Alumni, Treasurer Dick Vitale.