Eric’s Question: My late husband’s sister hasn’t stopped writing to me since he died

Updated: 3 minutes ago Published: 3 minutes ago

Dear Eric: A year ago, my husband of 38 years died. He was 72, I’m 72 now. He was a bit of a loner and had a strained relationship with his only sibling, his younger sister.

He has completely cut off contact with her over the last 10 years. Honestly, the main reason was that he just didn’t want to be friends with her. He’s a nice, helpful person, but he was who he was and he did what he did.

When he died, I reached out to her in a sisterly way and included her in the funeral service. She was delighted. She immediately bonded with me, calls me sister, and started texting me several times a week.

This intimate bond with her is undesirable. I don’t want to receive these almost daily text messages. They contain many details and photos from her daily life. I haven’t responded to any text messages in the last few months, but the hint is ignored.

I have no idea how to stop this texting relationship without hurting her feelings. I need your advice on how best to end my texting relationship with her and basically keep our relationship at a comfortable distance.

– Personal space

Ways of Space: Establishing a new bond with your sister-in-law is a beautiful and loving gesture. It may seem like you’re risking reopening old wounds by setting a texting boundary, but think of it as clear communication, which is the lifeblood of any healthy relationship. Contact her by phone or in person and tell her that you’re glad you’re in each other’s lives and you appreciate them, but you don’t text and you’d like to find another way to catch up with each other.

She is full of enthusiasm and may want to replace the relationship she didn’t have with your husband. There is nothing wrong with this, per se, but if it doesn’t work, redirection is neither unkind nor unfair.

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Dear Eric: I just read a letter from “Sunny Side” whose mother called several times a day worried and would call her Sunny Side friends if she didn’t answer. My husband and I were in a similar situation with an elderly relative. I would suggest setting a time each day for her and her mom to talk, say 7pm every day (or whenever is convenient). Thanks to this, Sunny Side knows when to mentally prepare for a conversation, and her mother knows when she will definitely be able to contact her.

It also reduces the number of calls to one per day, which is more than enough. Sunny Side could fix herself a cup of tea while she talks, or something to distract herself from the doom and gloom she knows is coming. Another suggestion would be to make sure her mom socializes with other people so she doesn’t have to rely so much on talking to Sunny Side. Is there a senior center nearby that she could attend? Some senior organizations send visitors to homebound people. I think working on this would also help everyone – it did for us.

– Happy Reader

Dear Happy Reader: Thank you for this suggestion. The great thing about this is that it gives both the letter writer and her mother tools to help manage their expectations.

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Dear Eric: After reading the letter from “Lightly Stepson,” whose two stepparents cut him out of their wills after their parents died, I felt anger on behalf of him and his brother. However, I believe there is a possibility that they were not disinherited by their biological parents.

Before I retired, I worked in the real estate and trust industry for almost 30 years and witnessed some incredible things that family members of the deceased did. If siblings have not read their parents’ wills or have not had their own attorney review them, they should do so. They only need to read the will, which has been registered in the court competent for the place of residence of each parent. If they can afford it, it would be best to consult with a lawyer to determine the legal fee for doing this for them.

It would be sad, but entirely possible, if their parents’ other spouse could withhold information from them or, under the inheritance laws of their parents’ state of residence, they could be entitled to a portion of their parents’ estate.

I know their pain is deep because they were excluded as children and adults from their parents’ love and lives, but they do not realize the impact what they did on their parents.

– Suspicious Reader

Dear Reader: Thank you for this perspective. I hope the letter writer will be able to find more specific answers.