I’m a relationship coach and when men ask me this question, I always say “no” – no matter what

One afternoon, while I was supervising a carpool, the parent of a former student pulled up in his immaculate red Corvette, leaned out the window and asked, “Tara, would you like to go out sometime?”

I told him, “No, I’m sorry. I’m just not dating right now.” The latter wasn’t true, but I felt like I needed an excuse to drive this rejection home. When he found out I was separated a few months earlier, he parked his car and stood next to me while I was driving.

“Hello,” I said politely. He skipped the greeting and said, “Divorce is hardTrue?”

“Oh yes. “Divorce is terrible,” I said, narrowing my eyes. I’m literally doing carpooling right now. Can’t you see this is happening?

“How are you?” – he asked when I said goodbye to the baby. I looked at him again. “Uh, I’m fine. I take care of myself.”

I work in a close-knit community and the news of my separation must have spread quickly among students and their parents. This parent, also divorced, decided to take advantage of it. I breathed a sigh of relief when his daughter interrupted us.

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Then every Tuesday he came to talk to me. I learned how terrible his divorce was and how worried he was his daughter takes care of it. Divorce can be difficult for anyone, but it is especially difficult for children research from states from 2019.

I would talk about these “chat” with my immediate supervisor and she would come and stand next to us or join in the conversations. It has never been phased.

First of all, I understood that he was lonely and needed someone to talk to. My boss and I were captive listeners at times, both because of our responsibilities to supervise and the fact that we had to be polite to the student’s parent.

When he asked me out, I turned him down for reasons that should have been obvious. – Can we be friends? – he asked further. “I don’t think that’s right,” I said.

“Come on,” he pushed. “You could talk to me! I’m a great listener!” (He wasn’t.) “Thanks, but no thanks,” I confirmed. This ended our weekly conversations. I was grateful.

When men ask me, “Can we be friends?” I take it as a threat.

Liza Summer / Pexels

Maybe it’s just me. I am often irritated by undisclosed expectations and the likelihood that another person’s (male) idea of ​​”friends” will be significantly different from mine.

I could imagine this man’s idea of ​​being “friends” as something like me crying into a glass of wine and his willingness to comfort me with his lips and tongue. I didn’t want or need that kind of “friend” when I have real friends who never treated my sensitivity like a half-open door that they could swing wide open.

Ten years earlier in the uncontrolled sphere of AOL chat rooms To catch a predator ever aired, a grown man asked me for photos of me with no clothes on because he told me that’s what “friends” do. I was 12 years old. It was a short exchange for such an expensive transaction.

– Can we be friends? he asked. “Yes,” I said my loneliness and desire to be accepted – caught in my throat. “Friends send photos to friends,” he then said.

If my lack of clothes was the price I had to pay for the party, I was willing to pay it. I just didn’t know that I would still be paying over 20 years later. As an adult woman, I received questions like, “Can we be friends?” it always came with expectations: some I was aware of at the beginning, others I wasn’t.

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This is always the case with colonizers. They come with their platitudes and open arms, and you don’t even realize until it’s too late that you shouldn’t have let them in at all.

Being friends with some men meant I had to be available to them, but they defined that (emotionally, physically and sexually). If I didn’t want to be their therapist either emotional romance partnerI was a “bad” friend. If they picked on me and I rejected them, I was a “loser” or “nasty.”

If I started dating other men, they wouldn’t like the idea of ​​another man having me even though they didn’t have me. They confessed their feelings to me, claiming that they had felt it “for a long time”, even though we had both been single before. These “friends” also often proved to be untrustworthy.

I once went to a party with a “friend” who promised to be my designated driver. I forgot that I was taking medication and wasn’t allowed to drink, and after one beer I passed out.

I woke up in this “friend’s” bed, aware that my body now had memories that the rest of me didn’t. Other things happened with other men that I remember. I wish I had done it.

Ana Bregantin / Pexels

My “friendships” with men have cost me too much. So I created the rules. In an attempt to tame the chaos, everyone tries to keep it at a comfortable, manageable distance.

Rules based on experience, inference, and what the 2012 research mentionsprinciples based on inhabiting this body and its needs. I won’t be friends with a man who has:

• You have previously expressed romantic or sexual interest in me
• He had an affair with me before
• He told me I was attractive

If a man has been in my body or given signs that he wants to be in my body one day, he will not be my friend. If the first thing a man says when he sees me or my photo is that I’m pretty or cute, I will be disappointed, and then I will politely ignore all his requests for me to be “friends”, “co-workers” or “networks.”

Men who want to be friends with me rarely or never mention that they find me attractive. Most often they might say something like, “You look nice today,” but so rarely that I can count on one hand how many times over the years we’ve known each other. These are men I trust. It’s a shame that I have to say “no” so often, but there’s no shame in me choosing to wear it.

Sexual abuse is very common. RAINN reports that every 68 seconds, an American is a victim of sexual violence. Women are much more likely to suffer harassment and assault, and 90% of adult victims are women. This is especially common among women who are also students, making the risk three times greater. Anyone affected by sexual assault can get help through the National Sexual Violence Hotline, which is a safe and confidential service. Contact Hotline or call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained professional.

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Tara Blair’s Ball is a certified relationship coach and co-host of the Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcast. She is also the author of three books: Grateful in Love, A Couple’s Goals Journal, and Reclaim & Recover: Heal from Toxic Relationships.